....i won't be on here anytime soon

hell i haven't been on here for a while.

but i had a realization tonight...
maybe not really dealing, handling this all horribly, IS my way of dealing.

looking back on the last break-up that really meant something to me (sorry nate, you just weren't around long enough ) i cried everyday for months, then went numb, and then got a point where i had this out-of-body experience that was me looking down at my lunch table one day, going, huh... i'm really laughing. i'm not faking it anymore. thats me actually laughing for the first time in months!

and ik that in my not dealing, i'm going to miss jonathan. every day. but thats not different. maybe, i'll learn to take strength from it or something.
i still want him back. with all i am.
but i'm smart enough to know when to give up on that.
even though ik myself well enough to know that i'll hold onto that last shred of hope till i can't any longer.

and who knows when THAT will be

but i'm in a healthier place than i was w/ the last break-up. ok not "last" but last bad break-up...
i'm eating, still losing weight, but idc. its not the stressed omg-what-have-i-done losing weight, so its not as big a deal.
i just... have to figure out how i can not move on and yet still move on? if that makes any sense.

i... backed out of seeing kyle on his birthday bc i would see jonathan too, and ik its been a month, but i can't. i'm not ready. at least not w/ that much pressure and in that setting. bc i don't think i could handle it.

i took off my claddagh ring to get rid of that reminder, but even the ring that i wore before, its a reminder that my claddagh ring isn't there.


i'm not done blaming myself.
i'm not done missing him every minute of every day
i'm not done wishing he was there every night as i fall asleep


but i am done with my shit writings that revolve around him (reason numero uno that i haven't posted anything in a while. i won't put ya'll through that pathetic mess)
i am done going crying to my friends (doesn't mean i'm done crying)



ik i'm going to still be miserable for a while and i've accepted that.
i'm just done pretending that it will all work out and we'll get back together

bc that...
is just too much of a wish and a fantasy and a miracle for it to actually happen






i love you guys.
you have no idea how much i've appreciated all the comments and favs and support from all ya'll


i'm sure i'll be back one day...
ik ya'll will be just fine w/o me

well i woke up in a GOOD mood for the first time in weeks

went to lauren's and it was kinda awkward? but... then we started talking about this group i heard about at the Barlow Girl/ Superchick concert called Mercy Ministries, which helps out young ppl who are dealing w/ anything from eating disorders, to cutting, to teen pregnancy, etc
and from there we went into talking about the recent drama about me and a guy friend are having and those complexities and ..... that upsets me bc i see how it turned out and i'm like that... isn't me. like i'm hearing you, and i understand why you hate my life, but thats not me!!!
......is it?

and from there we talked about me and jonathan and kyle just said something to me about helen, ik what your feeling and thinking, but where are you w/ God? and we talked about that..... and we cried...

this is the first time i've just let myself CRY over this whole mess...

and lauren said something that made me think

she said that i'm not the same girl i was when she first met me last year, and yeah she still loves me to death and all, but yeah.
and ik what she means.

i used to love myself. love who i was and what i was about.
and now... i don't.

and a lot of that had to do w/ jonathan.

just... even if jonathan won't take me back as his girlfriend, i hope he knows how thankful i am for him
he did so much good for me. he made me be the best version of me bc i wanted him to be proud of who i was...
and i'll always love him for that if nothing else.

it was a hard day today to see how much i've changed, how much i really hate who i am now.

but i needed it.

i finally CRIED

and i finally felt like i was WORTH it again

its what i needed.... and i didn't even know it

but for the moment?
crying. trying to not hyperventilate.

bc that what i do when i cry.

and i can't stop at the moment.


started writing. mainly bc i need an outlet, and heartbreak is app what i have to have to write anything good.
i'ma huge mess.
mainly bc i'm a fucking idiot


---

on a completely diff note, i have a really good friend who is really REALLY sick.
like makes me cry bc i'm so worried about her.

so any prayers or good will or anything you have that you can send her way, would be greatly appreciated

i should really not be on here when i'm upset.
bc there are lots of times in between these crazy journal entries that i am.
just wanted to put that out there...

DA needs a like fb status update thing where i can be like
NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH ______

and i can fill it in w/ "should really not be on her comp journaling right now." or some such shit.

wow i'm like hyper and upset. interesting combo.

pretty sure i just effed everything up.

yupp...


lots of new *pretty crappy i think* writings coming.
i was going to try to edit and help some of them, but i'm pretty much in a fuck it all mood, so yeah.
you'll get crap and all

sorry...

its not all bad.

i might even have a new fav.



yeahhh....

i have nothing to say.

me and jonathan broke-up. it was kinda for the better, and we're working to still be friends which makes me happy, but its still hard and weird and i miss him, but i can't talk to him yet, and just yeah...

i'm back to being kinda sick/stressed out which is kinda a cycle. i get stressed and so i get sick, i'm sick so i get more stressed, etc, etc...
so not eating much, and down into my "danger zone" weight wise but the smell of food makes me nauseous so i've pretty much just been eating oranges and lettuce. yupp. of and chocolate milk and apple juice. so i'm like healthy? but not.

prolly moving out...
which will really cut down on the stress level
hopefully.



just had someone ask me out.
i said no.
not going to date for a while.

which is good bc i'm still in the mindset of being w/ jonathan. even though i'm not anymore...

but its just really hard.

i feel so numb.

and right now, i can't go hang out w/ anyone that would be helpful to me...
can't see jonathan or kyle obviously.
can't see evie
can't see nicole or my concordians.

and i just need to not be at home.

but i can't get away.


tried writing.
doesn't work.

tried excercising.
too week atm to actually do anything.


so kinda at a loss.....

slash feel like i'm losing everything