....i won't be on here anytime soon

hell i haven't been on here for a while.

but i had a realization tonight...
maybe not really dealing, handling this all horribly, IS my way of dealing.

looking back on the last break-up that really meant something to me (sorry nate, you just weren't around long enough ) i cried everyday for months, then went numb, and then got a point where i had this out-of-body experience that was me looking down at my lunch table one day, going, huh... i'm really laughing. i'm not faking it anymore. thats me actually laughing for the first time in months!

and ik that in my not dealing, i'm going to miss jonathan. every day. but thats not different. maybe, i'll learn to take strength from it or something.
i still want him back. with all i am.
but i'm smart enough to know when to give up on that.
even though ik myself well enough to know that i'll hold onto that last shred of hope till i can't any longer.

and who knows when THAT will be

but i'm in a healthier place than i was w/ the last break-up. ok not "last" but last bad break-up...
i'm eating, still losing weight, but idc. its not the stressed omg-what-have-i-done losing weight, so its not as big a deal.
i just... have to figure out how i can not move on and yet still move on? if that makes any sense.

i... backed out of seeing kyle on his birthday bc i would see jonathan too, and ik its been a month, but i can't. i'm not ready. at least not w/ that much pressure and in that setting. bc i don't think i could handle it.

i took off my claddagh ring to get rid of that reminder, but even the ring that i wore before, its a reminder that my claddagh ring isn't there.


i'm not done blaming myself.
i'm not done missing him every minute of every day
i'm not done wishing he was there every night as i fall asleep


but i am done with my shit writings that revolve around him (reason numero uno that i haven't posted anything in a while. i won't put ya'll through that pathetic mess)
i am done going crying to my friends (doesn't mean i'm done crying)



ik i'm going to still be miserable for a while and i've accepted that.
i'm just done pretending that it will all work out and we'll get back together

bc that...
is just too much of a wish and a fantasy and a miracle for it to actually happen






i love you guys.
you have no idea how much i've appreciated all the comments and favs and support from all ya'll


i'm sure i'll be back one day...
ik ya'll will be just fine w/o me